What's your struggle?
We’re all drawn to activities that make us feel good, and many of us do these things in excess. It can be an absolute relief to find something that takes the edge off. But there is a fine line between a harmless habit and a compulsive one.
Sometimes it can be hard to determine whether or not we are overreacting to a friend’s habit; maybe it’s just childhood conditioning to think that all drugs are bad, the suspicious rebrand of online gambling to “prediction markets,” or the news suggesting we all have problematic relationships to food or video games. Is it really an addictive habit?
The School of Life frames compulsive habits this way: “An addiction shouldn’t be narrowly defined in terms of a particular substance: it’s something we feel a powerful need for because some aspect of the rest of our lives is pretty challenging. We should therefore stop dwelling on the addictive thing itself, and focus instead on the sadness or anxiety that is fueling our dependence on it.”
This way of looking at things allows us to understand problematic, compulsive behavior, regardless of whether it qualifies as “addiction.” If someone is dependent on a habit that hurts them (or others), you can approach the situation from three angles, detailed below.
- Understand why they feel the compulsion, the pain or need behind it, and why it’s so hard for them to stop.
- Express your own needs in the relationship, and the pain another’s habit causes you.
- Lead with love, not shame, and help them see they don’t have to carry their emotional burdens on their own.
What do addictive habits have in common?
The number one thing to remember regarding compulsive or addictive behavior is that it comes from pain, discomfort, or unmet needs within the individual. Everyone tries to ease internal discomfort and get their needs met, whether they are working, exercising, or drinking smoothies excessively, betting on Sunday’s game, getting drunk, or spending 15 hours straight playing the Sims.
People end up with problematic relationships to substances and processes for one reason — because they’re trying to feel better.
No one is a bad person for having a bad habit, because that would mean that they’re bad for wanting to feel better. Is that not what every person in this world wants?
Problems arise when someone’s attempt to feel better actually makes them (and others) feel worse in the long run. A habit meant to help you escape one negative feeling can cause other negative feelings and create even more negative situations.
Escaping helplessness with the help of prediction markets
So many sources of stress can only be resolved financially: unpaid bills, medical expenses, the wish to have nicer things, the need for more time spent on people and things that fill your cup. If you could just get one easy infusion of cash, a quick windfall, it’d cure all kinds of discomfort.
So what’s an easy way to get that cash infusion? We see the ads everywhere — prediction markets where you can wager on the outcomes of almost any event. This isn’t usually called gambling. At most, it’s referred to as “betting,” like on sports. Companies intentionally avoid the word “gambling,” because most of us know that’s addictive. So you couldn’t blame someone for convincing themselves (or being convinced) that this is something different.
When a one-time attempt to relieve some financial pressure works out, how could you expect someone not to try again? But what comes up must come down. The next try puts the person in a worse financial condition, and they feel they have no choice but to try again. Prediction markets promise escape from financial helplessness, but they don’t warn you of the slippery slope you’re on.
Escaping pain with the help of substances
When someone uses substances to cope, they are escaping a part of themselves – whether a memory, trauma, the day’s difficulty, tiredness (hello, caffeine) or their own self-loathing.
Substance use is not merely the result of someone choosing to do drugs. Nobody casually does heroin, nobody really wants to need to drink to have fun, nobody wants to rely on their vices. As motivational coach Anthony Robbins once said “people will do more to avoid pain than they will do gain pleasure.” Again, substance use stems from discomfort, and a misguided impulse to regulate emotions.
A person dealing with problematic substance use is a person who on some level already feels like a burden. This shame causes a process of going against oneself and self-isolating. When the shame becomes unbearable, people may snap in the other direction.
As this person disconnects from others in shame, the isolation may begin to feel safe and comfortable, resulting in an extreme self-focus. Everything then becomes about keeping bad feelings out, which further drives the substance use.
How to help a friend with a problematic habit
When you want to help a friend with their compulsive behavior, finding the right words to say and the right time to say them proves difficult. While traditional ‘interventions’ with loved ones are well-known, they only go so far as the person feels shamed out of their particular habit.
Although they may abandon the behavior, they may continue to struggle if the pain within them is not healed. This leaves the door open to relapse, as they continue to seek other ways to mask the pain.
Instead of staging an intervention, demonstrate how important this person is to you, and how their behavior impacts you in addition to themselves. You are entitled to voice your concerns as they relate to how you’re impacted by your loved one’s behavior. This can help prevent resentment, and motivate the other person to change. However, remember that what you bring up has to revolve around how YOU feel, not around how you interpret THEIR situation.
Only love can overcome the type of pain that leads to addiction. Here are effective ways to express that love.
Express how you’re impacted
You are doing your loved one a disservice if you enable their compulsive behavior and resent them for it later. It is not helping either of you if they ask you to buy them another drink, then you resent them for becoming too drunk.
Dr. Cynthia Grant, a therapist and clinical leader at Birches Health who works with people recovering from gambling disorder, explains in the context of problem gambling: “Support does not have to mean paying gambling debts, lending money, or covering up consequences.” You can maintain your emotional support, while protecting yourself.
Dr. Grant gives a sample of how you can communicate your position to a loved one: “I care about you. I’m worried about what gambling is doing to you and to us. I’ll support you in making a change, but I can’t help make it easier for the gambling to continue.”
To keep the relationship healthy, only help within the scope of your comfort, remaining honest when you are not okay with “helping” in the way they request. By being authentic, you create space for them to trust you, and you show them that while your love is unconditional, your acceptance of their behavior is not.
Speak for yourself
When you find yourself worrying about a loved one’s habit, it is imperative that you first accept that your concerns are your concerns. Leading with “I statements” allows you to share your concerns without putting blame on the other.
For example, state “I felt sad seeing you blacked out all weekend. It would have been nice to go out together,” or “I feel afraid for your health when I see you hungover at work,” or “I feel worried that I haven’t seen you in a few weeks.” This way, you allow your empathy and love to wash over the other person, while owning your own experience.
Avoid creating more shame
Compulsive habits like problem gambling and substance use come with a deeply-ingrained current of shame. People are not dumb, and they understand when their habits are hurting them, even if they appear in denial.
They understand that the hangover does not feel good and the come down feels terrible. But for those suffering, the come UP feels better than what they are feeling inside themselves — so much better, that the prospective comedown and rebound time feels worth it in the moment.
It can be so easy to say, “I was in a bad financial spot and didn’t turn to gambling. Why’d they take the easy way out?” or “Well I went through pain without becoming addicted; therefore they should have toughed it out.” But there is no way to compare pain, as we all experience even the same things differently. Remember the differences between your coping mechanisms and theirs are due simply to the fact that you are different. None of us make perfect choices every time. Imperfect choices are just more obvious when they happen to involve an addictive behavior.
Empower them with resources
If the other person seems open to it, you may refer them to any of the self-help resources below:
Birches Health Gambling Help – Confidential Referral
National Problem Gambling Helpline
Accept that they may not accept your help
In addition to all the ways you can actively help, sometimes helping means stepping back. You must be able to understand that some people in need will reject your help. And if you can’t continue tolerating their behavior, you have to respect your own boundaries.
We cannot change other people; we can only help them change themselves in the ways that they are comfortable with. An Olympic athlete can only become that if they deeply, intrinsically want it. The same goes for those healing from addictive behaviors. We cannot push an individual into a healing that they are not ready for – we can only motivate them with our support and love.
The importance of connection
Human beings need connection above all else. If you are going to help another person, you must lead in love for them and in turn, in love for yourself.
To help break addictive cycles, we need to break shame. One of the best ways to do that is by connecting with others who share the same struggle. You can always help connect your loved one to people who understand, even if you don’t personally relate. This can provide the external understanding and acceptance needed to accept themselves.
When trying to help a friend who struggles with addictive behaviors, hold on to the knowledge that connection is a deep human need. If a person is willing to disconnect from everyone around them, and continue a behavior that pushes people away, then they must also have the belief that other people do not need them. That other people cannot help them. So your connection could be a major key for their journey.
In conclusion…
By treating addictive behavior as a condition rather than a failure, we leave the door open for healing. This approach avoids punishing someone for an understandable choice that has spiraled out of control.
You’re awesome for wanting to help someone you know! Keep in mind that you can take steps to maintain your own wellbeing while helping someone else. And before you offer help, refresh yourself on best practices for lending a hand.
Remember, it is not your responsibility to heal anyone around you. The number one person to care for when engaging with a person experiencing compulsive habits (like substance use or problem gambling), is yourself.
This article features input from Dr. Cynthia Grant. Dr. Cynthia Grant is a clinical leader, researcher, and therapist at Birches Health who works with people recovering from gambling disorder. Her work focuses on helping people better understand gambling behavior, make meaningful changes, and rebuild areas of life affected by gambling.
Birches Health operates the nation’s largest network of clinicians specializing in gambling disorder and behavioral addictions, offering insurance-covered virtual care in all 50 states. Clients work with therapists trained in gambling treatment alongside peer recovery specialists and financial wellness coaches, and 72% see meaningful improvement, often within two weeks of starting care.
Worried about someone you care about? Get support for a friend or loved one.